Bwhahahahaaaa...

Toddlers & Tiaras with Ashley Tisdale from Ashley Tisdale      

Sept Pic

Not the greatest but I had to get one in before Sept was over. I'm down 30 pounds since April. The last five this week. Just 59 more to go...

I still have a hard time with pictures because I feel thinner then I look and then I get all sad,lol. Remember that shirt? That was my goal shirt in May.

April Left- Fifteen minutes ago, right

I've been grinning all day.

I was accused of being a troll on a Runner's Forum. Because I'd not posted before and because I disagreed with the tenor of a thread. For whatever reason this has been cracking me up all morning. Those of you that know me will understand when I say "Oh, the ironing!"

I thought that would be an interesting way to conduct oneself in the Real World. I don't know you and you disagree with me, therefore you must be a fake persona created to sow dissent. Awesome.

What IS awesome is I ran 2 miles without stopping, no walking, at a good pace and it was....easy. I cannot tell you how totally pleased with myself I am at this moment. Even if I'm not real...

Well said.

I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become. 


Jung

Awesome...

I finally ran a mile without stopping. Then I walked two minutes and then ran another mile. My training goal was an easy 2 miles with a 17:36 pace and my actual pace was 19:26.

What's funny is that when I make two miles I then reward myself by sprinting as fast as I can until I can't. All things being relative 5.3 miles an hour compared to 4.3 is fast,lol.

So that's it, just thought I'd share.

Remember when this blog was about making things?

I was pondering that over the last couple of days, realizing how much the focus has changed. I'm not sure remaking myself really counts. There has been a lot going on off-blog, stuff I need to handle on my end and that continues. But we don't' need to go into all that. It's all economy tanking no work related, nothing dire although at times it sure feels that way.

ANyway, I am going to clear out my workspace and get some work down per the next couple of weeks. So I'll post pictures. It's been hard to get motivated between being tired and the realization that things simply aren't selling. I can't believe people don't NEED my stuff,lol.

My next 5K is November 6 and I'd like to get in under 40 minutes but thats almost six off my first time. Under 45 would be cool too. I'll try and get some 'Hey, I'm less fat!' pictures up too. But for now, here are gratuitous dog pictures.

See that Collie mix to the left? he is the most discreet herder ever. He loves to run along Kinley when he's getting the ball, or in this case the same damn toy he's taken there for two months. But he is so discreet he's no bother.

Us, for two weeks now.

Nap

A sleeping dog lying. 

My two boys.

Eyes on the road. Then on me. Then on the road. Pretty much from start to finish. I'm sure he think's he's a better driver.

Update

Gabriel went to the gym with me for ten minutes yesterday. Andrew suggested that he start with ten minutes and slowly increase. Gabriel actually worked hard for those ten minutes, with NO complaining and wants to go again today.

Sunday we met with Andrew and Gabriel is actually pretty excited about that (reminds self to ask Andrew if being blogged about by name makes him feel weird).

I'm feeling mostly better. I tried to explain a little of what happened to one of the owners and got this 'positive' reply about how everyone improves at their own rate and etc. This made me think she is totally clueless about the gross disparity in my class.

If you have a group of people who are diverse but still in the same figurative ballpark regarding capability thats fine. If you have a group where one person is the only beginner, not so much. But I didn't feel like explaining anything else.

I think the fact that I don't need these people to understand my motivation is a good thing. Sometimes being a grown up is pretty cool.

In which it gets worse.

So last night the power on our block went out again. So I took Gabriel to the second class with me. I figured he could stay in the store, or the car or on the field where I thought we'd be doing drills. He was really interested so he did all the stretching, etc.

The the teacher announces we are doing Fartleks (these are intervals where you run normally and then sprint for a determined amount of time). Then she gives us directions that go something like "Down fifth sure, left on something, right on something and then back."

I have a problem with sequencing information and even though I asked again, right after "Down fifth" it just went blank. It was dark and I realized I had no idea where to go and that everyone was so much faster I'd be running alone.

So I volunteered to stay and watch everyone's stuff and run in the field. That way Gabriel could stay with me and the teacher could run with them. What I didn't say was I'd be the last one in by a LONG shot and I'd feel stupid holding up class and that I didn't really feel like running alone in the dark was something I was up to.

The bottom line here is that their way of dividing 101 and 201 is stupid. To be in 201 you have to run a nine minute mile. So you have people that take 101 over and over. It's not a Beginners Class that is full of Beginners.

It's full of, for the most part, people who have been running awhile or people who are waiting to get into 201. How the hell they get Transitional Class from walking to running out of that is beyond me, unless they simply aren't paying attention.

I don't mind being last, honest, but being last by THAT much is demoralizing and humliating. I was actually in tears, no lie. I walked into the class feeling like I'd made so much progress over the last six months and ended up feeling like a fat loser who was kidding herself.

It' s not enough to have three levels of drills to choose from. I think they need to pay attention to the PEOPLE in the class and really see where they are at. Maybe have a real beginners class and then 101 and 201. Everyone deserves to feel comfortable and able. I'm not one someone who gets easily discouraged or expects to have my hand held.

But it was awful. I talked to the teacher and she told me I could do the best I could and that 'there is a place for you' and all that but the bottom line is that when you have a class with such disparity, there isn't a place for everyone. Is everyone supposed to wait ten minutes for me to come back in? That's grossly unfair to them.

Am I supposed to just modify everything? I can do that all by myself.

The worst part was as we were leaving I noticed Gabriel was tearing up and looked really upset. he sort of fell apart and was telling me about how that all reminded him of elementary school (he just started Middle School) and how he was always last and how much he hated it and how he felt like he was invisible because he couldn't do as well as the other kids.

His P.E. Teachers were clueless, he's about 15 pounds overweight, one of them told him he was obese and both of them just figured he wasn't trying hard enough. Or that he was being stubborn. He has so much anger and hurt from this and it just all sort of came pouring out. I wish I would have known because I would have raised hell.

For those of you who don't know, my son is Autistic. Thanks to years of intensive therapy starting at two he is high functioning but struggles with emotional, speech and physical functions at times.

This was the first time he had mentioned any of this. Anyone who is a parent and gives a shit will testify that thinking your kid is telling you what is important, only to find out they are holding onto something like this...well it makes your heart hurt.

Realising that this was you in school? And here you are again at 45? I'm still trying to sort through that. Maybe that's why I was as upset as I was. I'm not easily upset, especially over something I'd consider silly as an adult. Normally, I'd just be like, eh, not for me.

So yeah, good times.

Gabriel has decided, however, that he wants to run a 5K with me Thanksgiving morning. I have a generous friend who is also a kid's coach who is going to help us as far as setting up a training plan for him so we don't have a repeat of last night.

If I didn't have the support I do, I would have walked away from that class and given up on running. I felt so low and so incompetent.

The store agreed to let me carry over until Spring and I'll take the class then. I'm assuming by then I'll be in better shape and not so pissed at them.

Really?

So last night was the first Running 101 class. You know, the class where the description is "if you can run 30 to 60 seconds and are looking for a transition from walking to running.."?

We are to run/walk 1/2 mile to the track and then the teacher announces that we are all to run a mile as fast as we can. I caught a lift with the instructor as I was the only one who couldn't run and didn't want to be the only walker who got there eventually. From what I'm gathering (a third has taking this class three times) I am the only beginning runner.

I'm thinking WTF?! Really? The idea, I suppose is to determine how fast you can run a mile, but you know, 101? I did about half before my hamstring (it's decided it needs to be two or three inches shorter then it is) was like, nope.

Then after that we did running drills. That was more suitable as you had three levels to choose from. Suffice to say it was a whole lot more then I'd bargained for. I'd already run 3 miles that morning and it was 7:30 at night on a track. By that time I'm in pajamas and getting Gabriel settled in for the night.

I'll continue to see how it goes, Wednesdays are supposed to be all drills, tempo, fartlek, relay (not excited since I'm the slowest) etc. Monday we meet at the track for endurance type running.

I guess I expected more of what I'd assume was 101, like form work, you know setting a foundation. Also the stretches that we were supposed to do were not safe for people with knee injuries. Lots of hyper extending. So I did something else.

It was not what I'd call a positive experience. If I had been taking this as a look see (which I should have done) I wouldn't have registered way back when. There is another store that offers similar training and they insist you take it for a week before committing. In hindsight I should have looked around a bit more a previewed the programs.

I felt like there should have at least been a first session where the Coach asked basic info, maybe you fill out a form, so they know what's going on. Not standing in a circle saying your first name and why you are here. It felt very amatuer.

So all in all, it was a little frustrating and not as organized and I expected. It's seems to be very generic and the fact that the coach was recommending stretches without considering previous or current injury concerns me.

All in all it was a little discouraging and a bit disappointing. But we'll see how it pans out.

UPDATE: I just got back from talking with my trainer who is also a coach for track and he was really upset when I laid last night out for him. Which makes me feels you know, validated, but at the same time more disgruntled,lol.

Must Do

Awesome!

147

Holly

Mcconnell

F

45

Arlington

VA

45:53.7

46:31.8

87

15

Ok, see that first time, 45:53? That is my chip time which means that I was only 53 seconds over my goal. It may not seem like a huge difference between the second (The Gun Time) but it makes me happy.


My G Rank was 87, I am assuming this is how many running total? And my A Rank was 15, which I'm assuming is age group. 


So  am pleased, there were about 200 people total. I have no idea how many on my age bracket. Hopefully more then 16...

First 5K

So other then my Popliteus on my left knee giving me some trouble, I feel pretty good. I did a lot better then I thought I would. My time was 46:26 and my goal was to make it under 45 minutes but I can live with that.

I ran a lot more then I thought I would, a lot more then I walked. It was actually...fun. I don't know why. Running on pavement sucks. It was chilly so that was great. But why it was fun and I am totally doing it again October 7 I can't tell you. There is really no reason it should have been.

I was disappointed that there wasn't a bib. So obviously I have to run another race.

Gabriel and I pre race.

Yes, both my shoes have to be exactly as tight on both feet. I think this cost me three minutes.

I didn't even see Hamid and Gabriel on the side, all I saw was the Finish Line.

I hate this picture because of how fat I am, but I love it because you can see how determined I am.

Post Race

I included this because Gabriel looks really proud of me. 

I was really not happy with my pictures because, fuck, I'm still really fat. *sigh* But I'm posting them anyway. In the last  one you can see that soda bottle in my left hand. Gabriel saved me the last two inches of his soda. because he 'knew I needed the caffeine.' I just thought that was so great.

It was the last thing I wanted to drink, but hey, you know? I was surprised at how SO not hungry I was after. I had to force a half a bagel and an apple down. I felt awesome though. Not tired once I had a few minutes of not running. Which makes me think I could have gone harder, but I didn't want to hurt myself.

Again.

SO, that's it. I think it was good for Gabriel to be there and see his Mom do something like that. The next one is Cross Country out in Centreville at 8:30 (7:15 check in) so I imagine they'll be staying home for that one.

Check this out...

So I checked out this audio book 'The Bodies Left Behind" and I cannot find it, anywhere. So I get a Lost Item Bill from the library for $103.00.

Yes, $103.00. I look it up on Amazon and it's $30, as you would expect it to be. So I call my library and the whole time I'm thinking "Please, do not let that bitch pick up the phone."

Imagine The Church Lady and a Mall Cop combined and then throw Hipster (gag) Glasses on that hot mess. This woman, who must be all of 28 has a literal stick up her ass. So of course, she answers.

I explain that there must be a mistake because there is no way any audio book of normal crime trash drama costs $103.00. Rather then do what any normal person would and say something like 'Wow!" or "No kidding!" I get the following.

"It's possible that there is a mistake. What is your account number?"

"I don't have my card, can you look it up by name?"

"Yes, but I can give you more detailed info by number." (this is total crap, btw as I've gone through this before)

"Let me find my keys......."

"Ok, it's long list of numbers."

Five minutes of waiting while she makes hmmm sounds.

"Hey, can I just buy a copy and replace it? I'll include the receipt."

"We don't accept replacements." (WTF?)

"I'll look again and see if I can find it."

"Well, we would like to have our item back."

This is where I just stare at the phone and wonder WHY anyone needs to be such a passive aggressive bitch asshat. You can garner the tone, right?

"Well, I can look into this but as you can imagine the person I'd need to speak to doesn't work on the weekends."

"That's fine."

"It will take me awhile."

"That's fine."

"I'll have to get back to you."

"Listen, take all the time you need because I am not walking in there and writing a check for $103.00 for an audio book that cost $30 brand new."

"Well, we don't know that's a mistake."

"If I find it I'll bring it in."

"We'd like to have it back."

"I'd love to give it to you."

"If you return it your fees are less then $10.00."

"That's quite the incentive."

Followed by some promise to get back to me, blah, blah. Try and understand that all of this is delivered by her in the sactimonious slightly offended tone.  I can't wait to hear the result of her inquiry.

Running Madness

View this movie at cultureunplugged.com

Saucony Cortana

You know I love my Kinvaras. Love. Them. But running on pavement was a jarring experience. As in bone owie, WTF? jarring. Maybe 20 or 30 pounds down the line but for now, not an option.

This was a problem since my training classes and my 5K are held outside. In my perfect world it would all be held on a treadmill. With a fan. 

I couldn't go back to my Fat Runner shoes, Saucony Pro Grid Triumph or Hurricane, can't recall, because of the heel lift. The last thing I needed is to go back to a high heel. So I started researching. 

The Cortanas (wonder if the designer is a game geek as it's the name of the A.I. in Halo) got rave reviews and are essentially a trainer with a dropped heel and less shoe. But a hefty tag at $145. Hefty when you don't have any money. If I had dispensable lucre I'd think that was quite reasonable but that is pretty much my cut off point.

Halo Cortana

I ended up taking advantage of Road Runner Sports exchange policy. Quite generous, you get two months and no questions asked. I wasn't please (I may have cried a little) to say goodbye to my Kinveras but well, you know, I need to be able to run outside. 

I'll let you know how they perform Saturday but so far I am in LOVE with them. I could have done without the pink, but thats all they had in stock and I needed them now. At least the combo is sorta New Wave looking. 

Loving the upper, the honeycomb silver grey is very Space Oddessy. They aren't as minimal as I'm used to but most importunely they allow my foot to flex. The only difference between them and the K's as far as I can tell, is the extra cushion and the feel of more shoe, but not trainer shoe weight or bulk. 

I wear a 10 in running shoes but had to go up to an 11 in the Saucony K's and Cortana. Fantastic toe box, to me there is more give in the Cortana then the Kinvara. The sole of the Cortana also feels wider and more stable. Not something I'd prefer, but not a deal breaker.

There's all kinds of other features but nothing I am qualified to speak on. But I'll let you know if they help a fat girl run on pavement.

I know it's not Christmas, but...

So I'm going to do it.

The 5K. Even if I can't run all of it. At least I'll know if it's something I want to do again, right? After all my biggest concern was really how well I would do with the crowds and so many people, well, so close.

I am going to leave the dogs at home though. Any of them would pick up on any anxiety and that wouldn't go so well. I'd only take Baxter, but still.

My husband will pick up my packet Friday and drop me off Saturday morning so I don't have to deal with parking. It's close enough to walk except its a mile of huge hill there and back. No thanks.

SO MUCH, SO LITTLE (wtf caps lock?)

Yep, I really listen to Eminem. 'Til I Collapse' and 'Lose Yourself' are everyday run songs. And 'Slim Shady' is just a riot. This vid is the clean version cause it's the only version I could find...

I keep coming here meaning to write something, but there's so much little stuff scrambling my brain it's hard to suss out just what writes down.

My biggest dilemma (or really a delimma I can control, I have bigger frying fish right now) is whether or not to run my first 5K this Saturday. In a week. This would have been a non dilemma if I hadn't gotten a wonky knee and had to take two months off.

But, whatever, right? So I have just started a week ago. What bemuses me is that I haven't really wanted to blog about it thinking my knees would explode in a grisly display of public mockery. Its pretty amazing how terrifying knees can be, those bitches OWN you.

Anyway..i can run up to eight minutes at a time, walk fast a few and then eight again as of today. My left knee was all 'I'm just fucking with ya!' the last interval. It's hard to gauge the difference between caution and an excuse to quit.

I've done al my PT, worked hard of getting ass muscle and all the things I was supposed to do to bolster these two Arch Villians with their little knotty ligaments on the Self Destruct Button at all times. Dropping the weight would help, duh, but I have been training so hardcore it isn't happening.

Huh?

No really, serious weight training so the weight loss has gone from a screeching halt to just a halt. This isn't a bad thing, but it's not making me lighter. That comes later. Or so I keep repeating to myself.

Thing is I can walk 5K, I mean, come ON, right? But hear me out, I hate crowds. I'm not sure I will enjoy the process at all. SO why would I want to walk with a bunch of people? I'm only running the 5K because I never have and it seemed like the next thing to do.

There is also the small issue of never having run outside. SO I know my pitiful treadmill performance will be reduced to, well, more pitiful. I was going to take Baxter, my oldest male dog, but now I'm thinking if this is my first and I'm already conflicted (did I mention there are hills) because I don't feel ready, this isn't the time or place to add a 90 pound dog that WILL make me go harder.

Harder is fine, but this is not a good harder scenario.

This is what happens when you have people and animals who depend on you and no health insurance to boot. If I didn't and did I'd totally go for it. I'd also still be dog scootering, but hey. Walking is the safer option but it's W A L K I N G I have finessed walking.

So that along with with diet tinkering (happy medium between not falling over and not being a Fat Runner) I'm sort of at sea.

Dies Laughing

For those of you who somehow escaped it, this is a parody of Rebecca Blacks 'song' Friday. I have not yet been able to make it through the video due to overwhelming secondhand embarrassment.

The Hard Way

The Myth Of Balance

I often come across people who declare they are 'seeking balance'. This phrase does not make me want to poke my eyes out like 'weight loss journey ' does but I instead I sort of shrug and think "Good luck with that."

As if we are delicate beings swaying in the wind, threatened with toppling at any given moment should we lean one way or another. Trust me, we are way more like Weebles. Most of us wobble, but we don't fall down. Not permanently anyway.

I'm convinced the Quest For Balance is really I Feel Guilty all nobled up. Guilty you spent way too much time running and now your kids are all pouty. Guilty you spent to much time online and now the housework or whatever isn't done.

That isn't imbalance, that's selfishness and lack of self control when it's so extreme is hurts others. But if we call it 'seeking balance' it sounds like something we never had control of, right? I mean, we would never be selfish or self centered, we are just off balance.

Sure.

Lets face it, there are things I'd like to do more then others. That's what makes me human and likable and not Joan of Arc* who frankly, was nuts and kind of a pill. I never got the adoration over someone who was manipulated because she thought it was Gods work to go kill people. That ended well.

Being delusional and violent isn't noble and doing something you want to more then something you don't isn't being off balance.

If you are Off Balance because you are overextended and never do anything for yourself and run around doing for others 24/7 then this will be harder for you. Because you need to figure out what you are distracting yourself from and why you aren't worth a little self interest. It's still self serving behavior, but it's not something a blog post can fix.

Bear with me and lets look at the possibility of having a Balanced Life. It isn't. Unless you are a robot and if that's the case then I have tons of stuff I need help with.

What is possible is taking stock on a daily basis and determining who you are serving. If it's all you all the time, chances are you are an asshole. If it's you and others and a little more you because you really like something and so you feel guilty because something doesn't get done, you are human.

Just like me. Yay!

When I started getting healthy a LOT fell by the wayside, like making things, for example. Marketing my site, etc. So I tried to Big Picture it because being fat, sick and tired didn't help me address those things. I'm doing something that while in the short term, makes me neglectful, in the long term benefits.

I'd like to see us let go of the Myth of Balance. We are people, not Justice Scales. We are, for the most part, active participants. Most of all, as humans, we are self serving. This isn't bad or good, this just is. Give that up and you become Perpetual Martyr and no one wants t be around you, trust me.

Rather then Balance, just pay attention to what you are doing and how it affects others. It's really that simple.

*There is this phrase credited to her "I am not afraid, I was born to do this." (ironically the crucial contextual mention of God is omitted) that is supposed to be inspirational. Every time I read that I wonder how versed people are in regard to Joan and what she was responsible for. She's no Heroine.

I'm convinced that if she were a man she'd be classified as a religious fanatic who used religion to justify war. Which is exactly what she was. She was not a feminist and in fact refused to allow women to serve in the military. She was a teenager, was killed when she was 19.

In a few short years she lead thousands to their death, as either invaders or defenders, in the name of God and France. Not unlike some of our modern day True Believers. While True Believers are great motivational speakers, I have yet to find one worthy of a 'motivational quote'.