Sunday, July 24, 2011

Day Nine

Yesterday was a little hard.  kept thinking about toast and cake. SO much so that I got a piece of raisin bread out of the freezer (Oregon Trail, good stuff). My thinking was that since I was eating veggies and fruit plus juicing that this would be fine. I can't follow that line of reasoning either.

Then I realised I was one day eight and it was kind of stupid to blow it for something that will still be there a week from now. That is a big part of my eating problem. For a long time as a teen and when  was pregnant with my first food was not something on hand. So you ate as much as possible when it was.

This carried over as feeling anxious anytime I got hungry. The subconcious is a wonderful thing, but I have learned that it is not very smart. It takes the worst case scenario and preps you for that even when you are no longer in that sort of environment.

This can result in all sorts of things like creating drama so you can cope with it and eating too much because it's there. For starters.

Because it's well, sub conscious it's sneaky so you have to go through a constant ritual of double checking. Do I really want/need to react/behave this way or is this an old ingrained survival pattern?

As you get older, hopefully, things that saved your life became unnecessary. Problem is, your subconsious is the last to know and skeptical to boot. Sometimes it's no big deal, other times it results in marrying someone just like your abusive parent.

Unless you bring your subconscious to the surface and show it that hey, everything IS BETTER now, you  will create and recreate what you've survived, not (and I don't get this) what you flourish in. There is a very important difference here. Surviving means you keep breathing, it's really not that great. But, we tend to settle for it because for a long time, that was the best we could hope for.

Now we are all grown up. We can make decisions. We can defend ourselves and try new things without terrible ramifications. We can be treated well without it being a set up. All kinds of nifty things.

But here I am at 45 looking at a fucking piece of raisin bread. Actually, there is a lot of it, when we do have money I buy and store all the food I can. This is an example of a helpful survival behavior. But the low level panic that led me to the freezer? Not so much.

Unless raisin bread thieves break in and make it past the dogs (ha ha) it will still be there (no one else likes it) when I've done with day fifteen. I realized too that some of this comes from my husbands current job ended with no next one in sight and enough money to just cover bills for August.  That old 'store up' now urge is always there, but I don't think raisin bread is going to make a difference. Logically.

Subconsciously, I'm still working on that. Just like I'm working on not creating horrific scenarios (in my head) that God willing will never happen so I'll 'be prepared'. Not only is it false security but it's grotesque and needing to do that was a big part of my WTF?! moment. Who thinks that shit up? Well, me.

So now I stop.

Having the dogs is why I no longer map out an escape plan every night 'just in case'. But I don't think they can help me with the raisin bread. It's very funny to me, really, to have come through (for the most part) what I have and still have this minute long conversation with a piece of bread in plastic wrap.

ANYway, I'm not sure if I'm very clear (I gave up on concise four paragraphs ago) but what I'm saying is that it's good to slow down and check yourself every now and again. It's hard when you are a head dweller, but being out really isn't that bad.

If I honestly take stock of the why of what I do, I can see there are still some behaviors that don't jive with now. Now is where I am, I'd like to live there as well as possible.

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