When it starts to get too serious...go to YouTube (NSFW one F Bomb)

Manergy!!!

Well, ok then.

Good thing I'm resigned. Although I do have these pockets of despair that alternate with out and out this is fucked upedness.

My goal weight should be 141.2 (90 pounds to go) and I should reach it by April 2013.

Yes, 2013.

It's been far too long.

No, you aren't the only one thinking Al is prettier.

Goodbye Fiona...

*sigh*

The good news is I am running three minute intervals at 4 miles an hour.

The bad news is my sports bra isn't working at that distance/speed.

So for my 45th birthday this upcoming Sunday my son is buying me an Enell which is supposed to be the best for busts and should be at that price point. The trick will be buying on that works now but I can use as long as possible while I get smaller, they aren't exactly disposable.

Maybe Oprah has some that don't' fit....

Gabriel just looked at me and went 'Do you REALLY want that for your birthday?' and I was like, 'Well, I really wanted that Russian Doll Stacking video game, but..' and he was cool with it.

I do like that it hooks (apparently a kajillion times) in the front. Trying to secure one at this size is a great way to dislocate a shoulder. I end up having to do the secure in front and twist around.

I promise

to never, ever refer to any of this as my 'weight loss journey'.

Random PSA Greenies Pill Pockets for Dogs

I have to dose Kinley four time's a day. He takes about three large pills a go when averaged out. I gave up on trying to put them in things, he was getting fat on peanut butter and forget cheese. Plus the other two wanted in on the action.

I have been using Greenies Pill Pockets which are awesome but spendy at $11 for a 30 pocket bag. That won't even get us through two weeks. In fact his dosing comes out to about 120 times a month.

So I looked on Amazon where I get our almond milk by the case and found them for about $5 a bag. You have to buy 6 bags for $31 but it's half what I'd pay at the pet store and no tax.

Come on, if you have a kid, you've thought it.... NSFW

This is a great book and the illustrations are lovely. I was thrilled when he picked Samuel Jackson. I'm pretty sure there is a clean version for kids.

Progress isn't always pretty.

I hate posting these, but whatever. One of the great myths about weight loss is that it comes off evenly and you shrink like a pitiful creature under an evil villain's shrink ray. If you have a LOT of weight to lose, this is not how it works.

In fact, you may look worse there for a while, at least proportionally. Even better, while you may lose, you may not always see that loss.

I have lost 16 pounds since May which isn't shabby. I've lost inches too but of course that gut is hanging on for dear life. Even better, you can see in the last picture, I have the ass gut/boob gut thing going on. You can actually see were my ab muscles are separated after two very large pregnancies both ending in c-sections.

You can sort of make it out in the grey shirt one, in the most recent black shirt, you can see more unfortunate definition and that my gut boobs have moved up.

Lets not forget the apron there, yes, that is skin, not some weird fold thing going on with my work out pants. This area is never going to look good, but whatever. I have a sinking feeling it's going to get a lot worse, but again, whatever.

ANYhow, if you are trying to lose a lot of weight, this may very well be a part of your process. if you are not obese and reading this, do not become obese because I am not the exception to the rule, gentle reader, I am the rule. If you get very fat and stay very fat for very long, this is what is in store for you.

This, after five days a week at the gym and 1650 calories a day, everyday. This is the result of trying as hard as possible.

The picture in the grey is from May 1 and the last one is from this morning. My gut looks bigger then i the other pictures because the rest of me is smaller. I know, kind of not fair, huh?

My fitness level has improved drastically along with my stamina and I am on the art of C25K where you run for 3 minute intervals. So I have gone from 60 second intervals at 3.2 to 90 second at 3.4 to three minutes at 3.9-4.0. I can't say enough good things about this program.

Nothing hurts before, during or after. This is because the program is designed to build up. Oh, and I cannot stress the important of a good HRM. I have the FT60 and it's worth every (many of them) dime.

SO, this is where I am. it isn't where I want to be, it's better then I was. I just thought it might be helpful to someone out there to see what this looks like and what to expect.

You can see how my gut has sort of deflated,lol. You can see where my ab boobs have moved up which is why the profile picture (black) looks like I'm bigger there. It's more noticeable if you compare the blue tank top pictures with the one below it. If you click on the pic you can zoom in.

I just try and focus on the fact that there is more space between my torso and my arms. I'll take what I can get at this point.

That's fat loss and building muscle tone, it's not pretty but it's progress.

Ps.  know I could lose weight a little faster. I lost 60 pounds on Low Carb seven years ago really fast (ad gained it all back, of course.). Thing is my plan isn't  to lose 73 pounds and then die. My plan, God willing, is to lose 73 pounds and keep living. So I'd like to look as good as reasonably possible and be healthy enough to enjoy it.

Plus if my skin has any chance of reducing it needs to be a slow and steady low with at least a year of maintaining for recovery and any potential changes. Skin removal surgery is not an option. It's a five figure surgery, but more then that it's a month of doing NOTHING followed by six months of doing less, the recovery is really painful and the risk of complication is still fairly high. 

Some have documented the process on youtube. The vast majority are GBS patients who lost tons of weight very quickly. Besides, there are consequences to doing this to oneself. 

Girls in Magazines

So I am supposed to be doing a focus board. SO I've been looking through tons of magazines to find a body type I'd want to have. Within reason, I mean it's never going to look fantastic.

This is the email I finally sent to my trainer.

"You know what the problem is? They have no spark, depth or fierceness. They look insipid and one dimensional. They aren't interesting. 

"See how happy I am now that my ass is toned?"

I'm never going to look like that and you know, I never wanted to. I was driven by the desire to learn fight skills needed to take someone out as efficiently as possible. Like, a whole philosophy and culture and teachings hundreds of years old. 

These did not involve fulfillment by ass toning. 

I'm sticking with Xena. She may not be a real person, but I'm not convinced the majority of these fitness models are either. 

http://www.google.com/search?q=xena+warrior+princess&hl=en&client=safari&rls=en&prmd=ivns&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=4EH5Tb3EIOf10gHW5_2lAw&ved=0CGQQsAQ&biw=1280&bih=604

In case you have no idea who I'm talking about. SO I queued up 134 episodes on Netflicks. Except the last one, the series ending SUCKED."

Dear Young Fat Girl,

Please, lose the weight NOW. Trust me. Unless you plan on doing the whole 'I love myself so much my size doesn't matter even though I am killing myself.' thing for the rest of your life, do it NOW.

This is what I feel like pulling younger fat girls aside and saying to them. Because it's really fucking hard at almost 45. I'd imagine at 40 but I wasn't trying then. Or at 35 or 30 for that matter.

Really. Hard.

Plus the damage is done. You lose the weight at 24 and you'll pretty much be ok.

Try it at my age and struggle to convince yourself this is the healthy thing to do as you deflate into this melting Jabba the Hut thing. WHile at the same time realizing just how far gone you are, how long it will take and that you aren't going to look good with your clothes off ever again and it serves you right.

I know you don't want to hear this now. But let me be your cautionary tale.

This is a terrible place to have put oneself in. Somewhere between self loathing and being so I don't even know the word to encompass it, ashamed, maybe, that you did this to yourself. You did. For YEARS.

Sure, maybe it started out as a coping mechanism. But for this long?! Nope. I think at this point it doesn't really matter why. But, wow, yeah.

Fix it now. I urge you.

Fix it now.

See this girl?

I ran into her on a website while looking for running info. She is the one who mentioned the Warrior Dash and this is her youtube vid.

So I guess I have, like, a role model. She's 39 so I'm not like, twice her age, anyway and she's lost a ton of weight.

What's cool is that she wears contacts and hers didn't fly out of her eyeballs or anything. That's my biggest worry, is that with hard lenses I'll doomed...

I don't see myself crawling under low lying tarps though. That's a big iffy.

Really?

73 pounds to go. At this rate I'll be lucky to hit 160 by the time I turn fifty.

I know quitting isn't an option. It's just terribly upsetting to live with what I've done to myself.




Goat

Dies Laughing

Alamo Draft House PSA (language NSFW)

Its totally worth it watching the PSA's. Pineapple Express is my fav.

The Salvage Mission Continues

Me and my new hair in my hallway.

Me and my new hair in my car.

I have new hair. It's, you know, my hair. Just different. I had to buy a blowdryer. And a round brush. It looks good just regular old drying by itself, but I wanted you to see it all fancy. I have come to terms with the fact this means a cut every couple months and not twice a year.

I'm not trying to be all MySpace with those photos, I don't really smile in 'real' ones either. I didn't want you to think my fancy hair made me all serious.

People ask me what's wrong all the time. Nothing is, you know, until they ask and then I'm all like 'What?' and then it's awkward.

The back is awesome too, but I haven't quite gotten the taking the back of my head picture knack. I'm loathe to risk dropping the iPhone for a picture of the back of my head.

Typical

Kinley really doesn't go for all that 'I want to be your friend!" stuff. That' Lila,she is a Catahoula/Italian Greyhound (no lie) pup. An ooops litter.

But the nice thing is you get the great Catahoula coloring and the Greyhound laid back temperament.

But she has a crush on Kinley. All the young male dogs want to hang out with him and all the young bitches love him. But he really just wants to be left alone to work.