We all get older, if we are lucky anyway.

So part of this whole 'don't be so sick your husband has to take care of you' thing has been getting to the gym. Eating well, blahs, blah. And it's exhausting. Where is the damned lying liar pants that told me I'd 'have more energy'?

Probably taking a nap somewhere.

Plus the husband got a job, thank God, short term but pays rent, and has to get up at (wait for it) five a.m. This means me. Because I don't trust him to get up with an alarm. Not a morning person. Not even a mid morning person.

So this all started about a week ago. Funny how you just can't cram more stuff in a finite day. I haven't made a damn thing in over a week which is kind of refreshing but I'm waiting for the energy Mr. Pinocchio Face promised me because our show is in less then two weeks.

Plus the site, etc.

I'm even spending quality time with Andrew Johnson, everyday now. I'm sure that subconsciously I am a very Positive Person. In addition to not wanting to eat Fattening Foods.

But I haven't quite figured out how the hell I'm supposed to cram all this in or well, how to get the energy to do so without downing a Monster. I am so very ready for Summer as the school thing will be one big less thing to do. I am a firm beleiver in letting one's child sleep til noon and play video games for five hours at least for the first week or so.

This is mostly for my benefit.

So I'm at the gym and I'm slogging along 'getting healthy'. I start to think how odd it is that I'll be 44 this month (how that happened I can't say) and here I am listening to Agent Orange and The Adolescents , Christian Death and some Adam Ant (it was old school meets really HOT guy mix) all fat and tired and married and stuff.

Then it occurred to me that with the exception of Henry Rollins who has some weird Dorian Gray thing going on (and is the only person I've seen give Christopher Walken the willies) that we are ALL older now.

Well, those of us still alive anyhow. I guess mindset has very little to do with youth. Although there are more pressing things to be angry about now and well, lets just say the lifestyle changed. Hence the still alive part.

I still think of like, Social Distortion of being like they were when I was fifteen and then you see a vid and go "Wow, dude.."

Ok, except Billy Idol who has aged in what I can only imagine is part of a pact with Satan but it's Billy, so it's ok, all is forgiven. I mean, have you SEEN the guy?

I got really fat. While not shocking it's embarrassing. It's something I feel I have to explain before anyone who knew me sees me. As if they would miss it, right? As if somehow I don't know really, I haven't quite puzzled that out, but it's not a positive.

AND now I'm almost 44. WTF? I don't wanna start over... Can't I just go back in the Way Back Machine and leave a 'Do not get fat' sticky on my leather corset or something? You know, something that will give me a heads up.

Dear Holly,

You will live a lot longer then you are trying to. Despite your best efforts. Please, consider this before you get really fat. And then don't. Because then dying, by then, is something you really want to avoid.

Whatever,

Me

Let's just say the whole Future Concept is not a familiar one. I didn't think or care, really, that I'd get older and now it just pisses me off.

Anyway, I'll be really annoyed if I post this rambling missive and then keel over. God forbid, please. We've had to start over financially, I guess this is part of that package. It's a really shitty package and I'd like to exchange it for a better one. But you know, the literal and the literary don't often mesh.

Thats all really, just mulling it all over. Thankful to be here, but wish I'd prepared for the journey.

(ps. Andrew Johnson is not code for anything involving a penis. Although I do assume he has one. Not that I dwell on it. Andrew (read below post) is a hypnotherapist/Reiki Master. I'm doing his self hypnosis program. Cheeky monkey.)