Check this out...

So I checked out this audio book 'The Bodies Left Behind" and I cannot find it, anywhere. So I get a Lost Item Bill from the library for $103.00.

Yes, $103.00. I look it up on Amazon and it's $30, as you would expect it to be. So I call my library and the whole time I'm thinking "Please, do not let that bitch pick up the phone."

Imagine The Church Lady and a Mall Cop combined and then throw Hipster (gag) Glasses on that hot mess. This woman, who must be all of 28 has a literal stick up her ass. So of course, she answers.

I explain that there must be a mistake because there is no way any audio book of normal crime trash drama costs $103.00. Rather then do what any normal person would and say something like 'Wow!" or "No kidding!" I get the following.

"It's possible that there is a mistake. What is your account number?"

"I don't have my card, can you look it up by name?"

"Yes, but I can give you more detailed info by number." (this is total crap, btw as I've gone through this before)

"Let me find my keys......."

"Ok, it's long list of numbers."

Five minutes of waiting while she makes hmmm sounds.

"Hey, can I just buy a copy and replace it? I'll include the receipt."

"We don't accept replacements." (WTF?)

"I'll look again and see if I can find it."

"Well, we would like to have our item back."

This is where I just stare at the phone and wonder WHY anyone needs to be such a passive aggressive bitch asshat. You can garner the tone, right?

"Well, I can look into this but as you can imagine the person I'd need to speak to doesn't work on the weekends."

"That's fine."

"It will take me awhile."

"That's fine."

"I'll have to get back to you."

"Listen, take all the time you need because I am not walking in there and writing a check for $103.00 for an audio book that cost $30 brand new."

"Well, we don't know that's a mistake."

"If I find it I'll bring it in."

"We'd like to have it back."

"I'd love to give it to you."

"If you return it your fees are less then $10.00."

"That's quite the incentive."

Followed by some promise to get back to me, blah, blah. Try and understand that all of this is delivered by her in the sactimonious slightly offended tone.  I can't wait to hear the result of her inquiry.