Where to start?

Got down to 231 three weeks ago and a few days later went up to 235. Now, please don't tell me it's muscle. It takes a man daily workouts, hardcore workouts for a month to gain ONE pound of muscle. Could be water, I don't give a shit really.

Started getting tired all the time again, felt like my meds weren't working to the point I was ready to ask my doctor about switching.

Sallied forth.

Hurt my VMO which is a little muscle of great importance on the inside of your right knee. Knee problems are my big concern, no health insurance means I don't get to do risky stuff. This is why my dog scooter is rusty. *sigh*

While running intervals I compensated for the VMO by putting more weight on the left (weaker leg) and as a result ended up with an Anterior Tibliasomething basically a shin splint. This hurt so bad I considered that I may have a stress fracture. I was actually hobbling.

SO, thursday, friday, saturday, no workout, total rest. Ok, off my feet as much as possible. Ice. Advil. Today I did a totally stupid workout on the totally stupid bike thing of stupidity at the gym which I hate because it's stupidly lame.

No really. I could burn the motor off that thing and still not raise my heart rate.

Somewhere in the middle of all this, thursday, I think, I watched Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead and you should to. I've never been to invested in a person then I was with Phil (second half of the movie). Got my juicer from the basement and cleaned of the cobwebs and what I think may have been a cricket at one time.

Still really angry about not being able to run, still frustrated that I'm not losing (and no I'm not getting smaller) pissed that I did this to myself and waited so long to fix it. Flummoxed as to why my program isn't working. Or stopped, rather.

I know that my heart gets in shape, I've been that fat person doing martial arts. I do NOT want to be the fat person running. I don't, I know thats great for others, I do not want to. The last time I did any real long term exercise was gee, seven years ago?

I did the low carb thing and got done to 200 for a fifty pound loss. Was so grossed out my all the loose skin I gained it all back. Now while I know I'm gonna sag like Dumbo's Mother, it seems the slower the better as far as the folds go.

ANYway. The deal with FS and Nearly Dead is juice fasting. I figure WTF not as I can't move, really, or bear weight or do any meaningful activity. Then I realize I need food. Plus I hate the waste of a juicer.

So I decide to do a cross between Joe's plan and Dr. Furman. He's this Eat to Live dude and it's all about veggies and fruits, for the most part. It's worth looking up.

But I'm not giving up coffee, I mean I have ONE cup in the morning.

SO that started Friday. Yesterday I felt craptastical. Today I feel better and have this weird thing, I think it's called energy. I am still using my vegan protein powder, it's plant based so it's ok by me. I'm going to do this for fifteen days.

*Protein stuff I didn't know*

I don't know why they say fifteen but because it's an odd number I am totally down with that.

Then we'll see what happens. I will say I haven't thrown up since Friday. That sounds like a weird comment but understand that I throw up or at least get nauseous enough to gag every day, for the last twelve years.

No lie. No one can figure out why. Diet has no effect, except this nothing but veggies and fruits thing. So I am hoping it's a food allergy because then I can get rid of it. But mostly I am not tired. No pushing though, no nap for three days. I'm not tired and I sleep well.

And yea, I am making sure I get enough carbs, proteins and whatnot. But if this is what I can feel like, after fifteen days I think I'll add some nuts and whole grains (unless I turn out to be allergic to those) and stick with it.

I discovered sunflower seed butter. OMGosh, this stuff is awesome and has tons of magnesium. Like 25 percent in two tablespoons. 7 grams of protein.

So anyway, I'm sure it sounded like I was going to give up there several paragraphs ago. But I'm just trying something new. See, I think my mistake was starting this as if I had a healthy, functioning body I was trying to improve.

Fact is, I have an unhealthy, dysfunctional body. I don't have a good foundation to build on. While I would have preferred to not be injured, like really not preferred, at least it made me look at things more realistically.

I don't want to be a fat runner. I don't want to be the fat girl who doesn't look as fat as she is. I know I don't look 235, but I look what, 200? I don't want to settle for 200. I want to wear a large, FFS.

Running may turn out to be something I cannot physically do and that will make me very sad. That's like, my Big Goal. I have clothes and subscriptions to magazines and stuff. I LIKE running.

But I've gotten as far as I can with this body and I need a better one. It would be nice to just grab one of the shelves, but all I can do is strip (figuratively, no worries) it down and start over.

Oh and I've lost five pounds since Friday. I know it's water weight, blah, blah, but it's five pounds off my knees. Interesting thing about Dr. Furman's plan is people who do it maintain a weight loss. I was just happy to see the damn numbers go down, I wouldn't have cared if it was an arm that fell off at that point.

P.S.  Ordered this wheatgrass powder. This should be interesting, the last time I had wheatgrass I was seventeen and some guy who looked like Emo Phillips made it for me. This was the same guy who 'wrote me a song' that he proceeded to sing and play on his guitar.

Given that I was a hardcore punk living on the streets of Hollywood, this was so surreal I'm surprised I didn't have some kind of psychotic break. ANYway, I immedialty threw up. He assured me that my body was 'detoxing' and that I should drink more.

I explained to him that the amount of drugs, alcohol and nicotine in my system had actually thrown the wheatgrass out. Like expelling a heretic from a church. In other words, the Dark Side Won. The conversation that followed made it clear that having a place to crash just wasn't worth the singing, detoxing and metaphysical hoo-haw.

I cleared out when he went to the kitchen to make more.